Rawhide
by KaraLee713
Summary: Too weird for words. Tate friendshipish Rated for some mild language.


Title: Rawhide

Author: KaraLee713

Summary: Too weird for words.

Disclaimer: Not my characters, never have been, never will be.

Disclaimer 2: The title is sort of mine. It was also the title of a TV show and I am in no way trying to infringe upon the rights of its owners.

Author's Note: Okay, here's the deal. This idea popped into my head at about 2:00 in the morning approximately a week ago. Since then, I've done some tweaking and editing while I was much more awake than that, but it's very important to keep in mind that the main story was induced by lack of sleep. I cannot be held accountable for the bizarreness of this story. Now read on. (And repeat it with me: She was half-asleep. She was half-asleep…) Please enjoy (yeah right) and please review!

Author's Note 2: This is PRE-Twilight. She's alive I tell you, alive!

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Kate looked up from her paperwork for about the twentieth time, and stifled a sigh at seeing the desk across from hers was still empty. She had only been late once since starting her work for Gibbs, and would not have wished the experience on anyone, even Tony. Kate didn't know which would be worse, if Tony were to show up (now 53 minutes late) or just come in on time tomorrow.

Kate's musings were interrupted by the ringing of Gibbs' phone. He picked it up. "Gibbs… Uh-huh… Really?" Gibbs' eyes widened. "No kidding… Alright… See you in a few days." He hung up. "That was Tony. Kate, McGee, you'll have to split up his paperwork for the next couple days."

"What?" Kate was curious, and a little incredulous. "He's not coming?"

"Nope." Kate waited for elaboration, but Gibbs was as unhelpful as he always was when it came to personal matters.

Kate stared at him expectantly, and he stared back. Gibbs arched an eyebrow as if asking what she wanted. "Why is he not coming?"

Gibbs appeared to think for a moment, deciding what to say. "He was in the hospital last night."

"Oh my god, is he okay?"

"He'll be fine in a few days."

"What happened?"

Gibbs looked back at his desk. "That's personal Kate."

She went back to her paperwork with a sigh of frustration. Her curiosity and concern for Tony kept her distracted all day. By around lunch time, she had decided she would visit him after work. Her mind made up, she finished the rest of her work efficiently, and was even able to get out early.

She drove to Tony's apartment building and rode the elevator to his floor, tapping her foot impatiently the whole way up. Her knock at Tony's door was answered by a thin, blonde, large-chested woman.

"Hello?" the woman said. Kate had to internally roll her eyes; the stereotype of Tony's many women was complete upon hearing that she had the voice of a five year-old.

"Hi, I work with Tony."

The woman stared at her blankly.

"Is he… here?"

"Yes. He's resting now."

"Right," Kate said. "I'm sorry, who are you?"

"My name's Precious." (Kate gave another eye roll) "I live next door. Tony asked me to come over and help out after… the incident." Her voice and expression had become somber, as though Tony were perched on death's door.

Kate didn't think it could possibly be this easy "…What was the incident?"

"I thought you said you worked with him."

"I do."

"Then you should know."

Kate hesitated. "He told you this was… an on-the-job injury?"

"Yes."

Kate knew for a fact that Tony had left work early yesterday for a date, (after telling Gibbs he had to go because his mother was in town) and "the incident" had occurred sometime after. It couldn't have been something he did at work, but Kate was curious as to what exactly he had told Precious.

"Can I just come in?"

"Alright."

Precious shut the door and they both sat on the couch.

"Now," Kate said. "About the… incident. I wasn't at work that day. Tell me what happened."

"Oh… well, he burned himself." Her eyes grew misty. "What a great man he is… saving all those puppies."

Kate's eyebrows nearly hit her hairline.

"And then going back into the burning pet store, just to get a lost little kitten!" She wiped her eyes. "I don't know what exactly he needs me for, he won't even let me change his bandages. So far I've just rubbed his shoulders for him, he's been very tense." She suddenly looked very puzzled. "He always keeps the blankets wrapped around him. I haven't even _seen_ a burn or a bandage."

Kate took her by the arm (a little more roughly than necessary) and guided her toward the door. Kate's voice took on an overly cheerful tone.

"Okay, Princess…"

"Precious."

"Whatever. Look Prissy, I'm sure Tony appreciates _all_ your help, but I can take it from here. You have a nice day now!"

And she slammed the door in her face. Kate sighed and shook her head. She went to Tony's bedroom door and threw it open. Tony was lying in bed, with his eyes closed and the blankets pulled up to his chin.

Without opening his eyes, Tony said, "Precious, I'm so glad you're back. This time, could you just rub my shoulders? They're really killing me, you know, what with… the incident… and all."

"Sorry Tony, Precious went home."

Tony's eyes flew open. "Oh it's you." He pulled the blankets down to his waist. "Thank god! It's like a thousand degrees in here."

"Then why the hell were the blankets pulled all the way up?"

"I didn't want Precious to start wondering about my 'injury.'" He made air quotes with his fingers.

Kate put her hands on her hips. "You told Gibbs you were in the hospital just so you could have some bimbo play nursemaid all day?"

Tony put a hand on his chest in dismay. "What? No! How could you think such a thing? I'll have you know, my injury is _very_ real." He folded his arms and looked smug.

"Then let me see it."

The color drained from Tony's face. "I… I don't… That's not necessary."

She smiled evilly. "Come on Tony. Let's see." She began approaching the bed.

"No." He clutched the blankets back up to his chest.

"Just a little peek…"

"No!"

"Then tell me what happened!"

Tony eyed her for a moment, as if considering which would be worse: telling her, or having her look for herself. He sighed.

"Alright… but you can't tell _anyone_, and that includes Gibbs."

"But didn't you tell him on the phone?"

"He knows half the story… and he _cannot_ know the other half."

Kate thought for a moment and said, "Deal!" She happily plopped down on the bed beside him.

"Okay… A few weeks ago I started dating this girl. Tall, red hair, gorgeous really. And she had these perfect…" At the look on Kate's face, he cleared his throat and continued.

"On the second date we went to her apartment, and it was a _great_ apartment; leather furniture, framed rookie baseball card collection, and no potpourri, plants, or cats anywhere. There was even this cool picture of John Wayne, and she had these novelty branding irons that were made as a joke… Well, it turns out she was actually living with her boyfriend…"

Kate snorted. "And the apartment didn't tip you off?"

He glared at her. "Are you going to let me finish?"

"I'm sorry, please continue."

"Alright, so last night we were at "her" apartment, and we were… you know… together…"

Kate was pleased to see him a little uncomfortable discussing it. It was a welcome change after having to hear about his various conquests in unnecessary detail.

"…when her boyfriend came home. He heard us in the bedroom. She was making," he chuckled, "an awful lot of noise." Tony smiled as if pleased with himself, but quickly continued on when he saw Kate shake her head. "So he grabbed one of his branding irons and heated it up over the stove…"

Kate smiled, but quickly bit her lip, trying to look concerned.

"… he came into the bedroom and he… branded me…"

Kate began to giggle, but she clapped a hand to her mouth, this time trying to appear shocked.

"… on my…" Tony wouldn't look at her. "…on my left buttock…"

Kate's other hand quickly joined the first, as more laughter tried to escape.

"And it was a novelty branding iron, so it wasn't like a symbol or initials…"

Kate removed her hands from her mouth, and strained to keep her voice from cracking. "What… does it say?"

He muttered something unintelligible.

"What?"

Again, she couldn't make out what he said.

"I'm sorry, what?"

"It says beefcake, alright. I have the word beefcake burned into my ass!"

There was silence for a moment, and then Kate couldn't contain it any longer. It started as a giggle, then a mild snickering, and then she was just plain laughing.

"It's not funny, Kate!"

This made it even funnier, and she fell off the bed laughing, and was rolling on the floor holding her stomach.

Tony sulked on the bed. When she stopped laughing, her head popped up over the side of the bed, and he repeated his earlier agreement. "You can't tell anyone."

She tried to nod somberly, but the laughter erupted from her tightly closed lips, and she disappeared to the floor again.

Tony sighed and rolled over, trying to ignore the laughter that he was sure would continue for quite some time.

A few weeks later

Tony was back at the office, and it appeared that Kate had kept her promise. No one had pointed and laughed when he walked in, no one had said anything, and it was almost time to leave.

"Hey Gibbs," he said, as he closed the last folder on his desk. "I'm done. I'm gonna go clock out."

"Alright, whatever you say…" And without cracking the slightest smile, Gibbs added, "…beefcake."

Tony whirled around to see the elevator doors closing in front of his smiling and waving coworker.

"KATE!"

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I told you it was messed up! And you read it anyway! HA! Anyway, I finally fixed a major computer problem, and I should be back to posting stories. I have several that I started a long time ago that require some finishing and some reworking, but they will hopefully be up soon. But, I'm supposed to be talking about _this_ story now. Please review!


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